


public relations

by song_of_staying



Series: Jackie/Tom futurefic [2]
Category: Star vs. The Forces Of Evil
Genre: Architectural Reconsiderations, Declarations Of Love, Discussion of Ritual Public Sex, F/M, Future Fic, Politics, Public Relations, Traditions, Wedding Planning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-20
Updated: 2018-02-20
Packaged: 2019-03-14 21:31:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,691
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13598799
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/song_of_staying/pseuds/song_of_staying
Summary: Jackie vs. the Rituals of Yore.





	public relations

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Naiade](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Naiade/gifts).



> Dear recipient, I recommend starting with the first part of the series, but the stories should make sense in reverse order too, if that's what you prefer! :D

“Hey, dude. Relax. We can’t do this unless you’re chill.”

“I’m chill!” Tom yelped. “I am so chill I could sleep with a Yeti."

"Ooh, hot."

"I don’t know where that even came from. I am chill like a beautiful snowflake landing on an icy mountain spring.” Smoke was still spiraling from his left nostril. Jackie snickered. After a moment, Tom laughed too, flashing that fang of his at her. She was so glad he never got those braces he had considered.

“So, we’re chill,” she prompted.

“Yes. We are both very chill and extremely cute and handsome. The magazines are going to sell like lava cakes.”

“Think we'll start some new trends?”

“Are you kidding? The Underworld is going to switch to Converse and emeralds instead of spidersilk and chicken bone. The economy is going to flourish, Jackie. We're going to save our kingdom just by being the hottest new marrieds ever.”

They weren't married yet, but the engagement ring was heavy and sparkly on her finger. She took Tom's hand and heard the reassuring clink of a ring meeting another ring. She knew she looked good in green, and Tom was fancied up in white and gold, with rubies spiraling on his sleeves.

They were not only chill, but ready for their first-ever interview as a couple.

It wasn’t Jackie’s exactly first public appearance. She’d dealt with interdimensional paparazzi before. It turned out that the middle finger trick? Worked in _every_ kingdom. Now she kept her fingers relaxed. She was aiming for grace and poise here, or at least enough manners not to make people question Tom’s political aptitude. The reporter was an elegant blue monster wearing a Mewni shade of yellow. Not a totally neutral choice, but perfect for the message Jackie and Tom intended to send.

The first few questions were smooth skating.

Had she chosen a wedding dress yet? “Yeah, and it’s a surprise!”.

Was she enjoying her summer in the Underworld? “Absolutely, the people here are awesome!”

What about school? “I’m working on my thesis right now, and that means moving around a lot. Yeah, I’m studying a rare species of eel. But don’t worry! Tom and I are used to making things work long-distance.”

Jackie was almost ready to relax, when the reporter said, in a sympathetic kind of way: “And are you worried about the public consummation?”

Tom sizzled audibly, so Jackie didn’t have time to freeze up. Tom had mentioned that once, only to dismiss it, and Jackie hadn't taken it seriously. But what if it was really a thing? She smiled her widest grin and offered a politically opaque thumbs-up. “Traditions mean a lot to both me and Tom,” she heard herself saying. “And, you know, I’m not really the type that worries.”

The reporter seemed impressed, at least. Nice. The next question was about Jackie’s studies in the Eldritch languages, and she could feel Tom getting his chill back piece by itty rabitty piece.

* * *

“Sure I know what a public consummation is,” Jackie said, reasonably. “My moms keep romance novels in the bathtub! I’ve been reading about marrying princes since I was nine. I've got qualifications, bro.” Truth be told, Jackie’s taste in fiction had veered in a different direction when she hit her teens. But she never forgot her roots!

“Jackie, you don't _kadishtu edsam jalu ahty_ \- agh!” He went all Eldritch and glowy for a moment, which was skind of hot usually, but they were having down time right now.

She grabbed both his shoulders and pushed him down. Ugh, levitation frazzled him way too much. Then she sat on his lap, to make sure he didn’t start floating again. Axle the bunny was within emergency petting distance, but for now, Jackie had it covered.

“Talk to me, dude,” she said. “Do you want me to read your mind, huh?”

“No, Jackie -” but he didn’t say anything, so she did pretend to mind-meld with him. His chest was the perfect place for a gentle, spooky headbutt. 

“You’re thinking… we should elope.”

“Uh, obviously.” Tom mentioned eloping at least once a day. But Jackie was just getting this telepathy session started. He didn't notice her sneaky fingers take position over his ticklish spots.

“You want to elope to Vegas and get a - hold on, hold on - a pet swan? A guy dressed as a swan? Dude, are you planning to bring a furry into our romantic life?”

“Hah, that was _one time_ -” Tom couldn’t finish, because Jackie unleashed her tickling fury upon him. She was the tickling professional, professional of tickling, and Tom quivered beneath her!

“You want a monster to officiate and you also want Love Sentence to perform at the ceremony,” she concluded. Then she let him breathe, because a pro always quits while she's ahead.

He slumped forward.

“Can you imagine publicly consummating while Love Sentence is there?” he muttered.

She considered it. It was somewhere between embarrassing and hot. She'd sure like to see them all consummating. “Moot point,” she said. “No way are they getting back together in time, I know you tried to bribe them into it already.”

“Fine,” Tom said. “Okay. What about my parents? What about your moms?”

That _was_ a bad thought, but it wasn't totally new to her. “They don’t have to actually be there, they can discreetly leave before we take our clothes off. It says so in the manual.”

“The manual?” Tom looked suspicious, the doof.

“Pertaining to Matters of Royal Etiquette From Birth and Throughout Unlife, blah blah, you’ve seen me reading it!”

“That book is the worst.”

“You have no appreciation for history, dude.” Okay, the parts with the flaying and the group mind control weren’t exactly nice, but Jackie liked understanding things before she got decided whether it was worth getting scared of them. Plus, it was kind of funny that there was a polite way to flay a dude (top to bottom, counterclockwise). 

“I guess you have thought it through,” Tom muttered. “How do you even do that.”

“Yeahhh. I’m not thrilled, but honestly, there are worse things than getting down and dirty in front of your castle staff -”

“- and all of the Underworld’s nobles - ” he added.

“- and our exes. Yep!”

Tom looked up at her like a kicked puppy. She kissed his nose.

* * *

 "No, we can't 'just have a practice orgy'. This isn't the nineties, dad!"

Jackie liked her future in-laws, but she usually didn't butt in on Tom's calls to his parents, just like he let her have the room when she Skyped home. But this time, she pried the phone right out of Tom's hand and handed him the cat. It was hard to stay outraged when you were holding Caballerial.

"Hey, Mr Lucitor!" She smiled into the phone. "What Tom wanted to ask was whether can you tell us anything about the ceremony?" There was video footage out there. But it seemed like a conversation was a better place to start than Tom's parents' sex tape. Also, Jackie was going to add ' _No cameraphones please'_ ' to every invitation.

"Dave, please," Dave said. He was adorable, like in a tax guy kind of way. "As I was trying to tell my boy here, being nervous is natural, but there's no reason you can't have a pre-premiere of sorts -"

"I think we can skip the practice orgy plan, Mr Lucitor!"

"Of course, of course. The ceremony begins after the third dance. There will be attendants who will make sure you're both looking sharp. Are you enjoying your new stylist, by the way?"

"Oh yeah, Snarg is super helpful. He's got a great eye for color."

"Wrathmelior hired him over the internet, can you believe it? Anyway, after your outfits are refreshed, somebody wheels in the wheel of torment and then you get spun around a couple of times? It's not too uncomfortable. Then the wheel turns horizontal and you, um, continue on." 

"Huh."

"And of course there are certain chants you need to learn. They're boring but easy, I can email you a phonetic transcription if you like."

"What do the chants say?"

"Oh, you know, you swear your eternal soul in the service of your beloved, may the Eternal Dark strike you down if you ever break this promise, and so on and so forth. Tom's part is much shorter, which is for the best. He's just like his mother, just hopeless at learning things by heart."

"Huh. Okay. Thanks, Mr Lucitor."

She chatted a few more moments about inconsequential things, then hung up. Tom had mellowed into a reasonable person under Caballerial purring.

"Babe," Jackie said, feeling maybe a little bit peeved off. "We're going to have to rewrite an ancient ritual. You stay here, I've got to call Janna."

* * *

Janna dressed for the part of royal wedding advisor, all beiges and skull prints and an Iron Giant beanie. She was kind of sprawled over Tom's mini-throne actually, but that was fine, it didn't have ceremonial power if it was in their bedroom. Jackie was pretty sure. She used that chair for playing Sims, anyway.

"So, am I seeing things or are you kind of S-T-R-essed out?" Janna asked it like she didn't really care, which she probably didn't. Which made it easier to talk things out with her, probably. 

"I'm not stressed out," Jackie said, slowly. "I'm just a little irked." 

"How come?" 

"Well, you know how Tom and I said we met at a Garage Centurions concert?" 

Janna shrugged, and Jackie looked at the bookshelf. "That wasn't exactly true."

"Oooh." Janna sat up, suddenly alert. "Did you meet at Marco's house?"

"No."

"Did you meet in Marco's bed?"

"Janna. Dude." Jackie took a deep breath, looked at her nails. They were all bitten down to the roots, would you look at that. "We met because I got kidnapped by hell cultists and they tried to sacrifice me to Tom."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. They tied me to a - it wasn't a 'wheel of torment'," she gesticulated vaguely, "it just a column."

"That's horrible," Janna said, serious.

"Yeah, it wasn't exactly fun."

"Everyone knows you need to invest in a proper X-cross before you start doing human sacrifice. Amateurs."

Jackie rolled her eyes and then looked at the ceiling.

Janna's smirk faded into a brief look of panic. "Wait, I'm not the first one you've told, right? I mean, shit, I can get my therapist on the line for you, because I am absolutely not the right person for this conversation."

"You're not the first," Jackie sighed. "A few people know about it. Including some of Tom's staff. But his parents definitely don't know I was involved, which is why they think symbolic sacrifice is no big deal, I guess."

"So... is it a big deal then?"

"I don't know!" Whoops. Jackie needed a rabbit, stat. Or at least some grapefruit juice or something. "I'm going to need your help figuring out a plan."

"To do what?"

"Not sure."

"I mean, what do you want to achieve?"

"No idea."

"Cool." Janna clapped her on the shoulder. "I've got some ideas already."

* * *

Construction in the Underworld didn't really require bystanders to wear a helmet. Jackie wore one anyway.

The royal architect was called Vivicent. The Lucitors definitely didn't hire her online. Jackie was pretty sure Vivicent pre-dated electricity, and possibly the written word. Her horns and hoofs were cool, but Jackie was kind of creeped out by all the lace.

"My lady," Vivicent said, like a threat. "I am getting senile in my old age. Please explain  _exactly_ what we're doing here."

"We're building a ramp, dude."

Vivicent mouthed 'dude', and then 'ramp'. "Will we be using the ramp for transportation?"

"Guess you can say that, sure."

"In the middle of the ballroom?"

"Right here, yeah."

"In a spiral?"

"Exactly!"

" _Why_?"

"Because I think it's a neat idea." Jackie smiled, even though she didn't feel like smiling at this specific moment in time. She could have gotten Tom to do this part, but it just sounded like a drag to use him as her messenger every time. She was going to live here too! Most of the time, eel migration permitting.

Vivicent's eyes shone a bright yellow, and the ground sank down in concentric circles, and it looked rad and all, but - "Dude! Gentle slopes, okay? I'll text you the specifications."

The ground under Jackie's feet shook for a moment, which was kind of a threat, so Jackie smiled wider. "Nice! Now I want handrails, I'm thinking like a wavy theme?"

Mom was wrong: interior decorating wasn't actually fun. But winning a battle of wills? That kind of had potential.

* * *

Tom had rolled his sleeves up, which was just the hottest thing, and he was covered with dust from head to toe. He had great lungs, so it was probably fine. He could have just sent his henchguys to get the wheel of torment out of storage. But Jackie liked that he didn't, because she wasn't all that happy about people being reminded of that thing's existence.

On the bright side, the wheel was kind of pathetic. And there weren't, like, blood stains from her dad-in-law's predecessors, or anything.

"I used to have one of these in my room," Tom said. 

"Huh."

"Well, it didn't have the runes. Or the, uh, spikes."

"Why'd you get rid of it?"

"It clashed with my new desk."

Jackie snorted, smoothed her hair back. Tom was watching her in that careful way of his, keeping his hands behind his back.

"Do you want to destroy this?" he asked.

"Yeah, I don't think recycling's an option here, babe. It might have, like, enchantments, I don't know."

"Yeah, we're definitely destroying it. I meant, do you want to do it personally?"

Jackie imagined getting a hammer. A saw? Maybe some matches and gasoline. Tom could put some of his music on and it could even be fun. Jackie was getting super fond of the court orchestra.

But, no.

"Just destroy it," she said. "Don't make it flashy, okay? Just make it gone."

The wheel flashed and then there was nothing left but ashes and smoke.

"Nice," she said. "That was totally undramatic, I am so proud of you."

He smiled, but it was closed-mouthed and careful. Jackie kissed the side of his neck.

"You've been kind of, uh." He trailed off, and kissed back, feather-light.

"Stressed? Yeah."

"I was going to say furious."

"Not really. Furious is more 'rah, burn it all down'. This is different. I don't know how, but it is." She breathed him in, reveling in the mix of sulfur and cologne. "I want to make the wedding work. But I can't wait for the honeymoon."

"I  _know_. You're still teaching me how to jet-ski, right?"

"You couldn't get out of it if you tried."

She wasn't sure if Tom hated this whole thing because of the way they met. She'd been tied to a column and he'd been tied to a cross and maybe it just annoyed him to evoke any of that. Maybe he just hated how boring it was, old-fashioned and empty and not even dramatic in a way he could have enjoyed. He was bored by the aesthetic of public torture, and she couldn't blame him.

After a moment of just resting on him, she asked, "Do you think our new ceremony is going to upset people?"

"Don't care."

"You can't _not care_." She poked him in the side. "Come on. Seriously.'

"Okay." He tensed his shoulders up, the way he did when he was in political mode. "Mom is the only one we  _really_ don't want to upset, but I already talked to her about it. She said she'd rather plague a small continent with writhing convulsions than let you be upset on your wedding day."

"Aww?"

"Yeah, it doesn't translate that well. She's totally behind us, anyway. I think dad thinks that kids these days are kind of wimpy, but he's going to be supportive anyway."

"Aww. Okay. What about the ministers?"

"The ministers are going to think it's just another pro-Mewni move. The ones that hate us will hate us more, the ones that like us will like us more. Or pretend to, I guess. The ones who are usually undecided are going to have to make up their own minds for once."

"Are you sure it will look pro-Mewni and not pro-Earth?"

"Yeah. If Earth did have any political clout, we might actually have problems. As it is, it's fine, just a general deterioration of royal values blah, the doom of the Underworld as we know it blah blah." 

"Cool." She held on to his bony waist. "And the press?"

"They'll love it, are you kidding? It's a good story."

"We can give another interview after the honeymoon," she decided. She was getting so much better at those, and so was Tom. "Give the story to an Underworld journalist this time. Ooh, exclusive look at our love life, ooh exactly one honeymoon pic, ooh these are our rabbits. It's gonna go viral."

Tom snickered. "What, are we gonna let them take photos of Caballerial?"

"No, some things are just too sacred for that," Jackie said. She was half-serious, or a little more than that. She loved that stupid cat a lot. "They can publish my eels if they want."

"Yeah, those are super queenly," Tom said, and she was pretty sure he was totally serious. She loved this stupid country too.

"Hey," she said.

"What?"

"Hey. Babe. Do you know what I'm thinking right now?"

"Um, something about your eels? The staff will feed them _or else_ , don't worry about -"

"Nope. Try again."

He wasn't great at this game, so she helped him a little by sliding her hands a little lower, a little farther back.

 "Oh!" He blushed that purple wine color of his and she could smell sulfur a little more sharply all of a sudden. "Right, yes. It's our duty to practice, right?"

"Yep. For the consummation."

The way he reacted to that word was still just a little hilarious.

"Let me get my earbuds," she said, taking him by the hand.

"Why do y - no. No, we're not practicing the Eldritch chant."

"We are  _so_ practicing the chant, dude," Jackie said. Tom rolled his eyes, like rolled them all the way back. He grumbled all the way to their room.

* * *

The first dance was a disaster, and the second one got interrupted by a tiny fire. The third one went well. There was no time to enjoy Tom's grace and the way he looked in his deep blue suit, but Jackie took a moment to appreciate how chill he was. Smalltalk here, a bit of flirtation there. He complimented a pigeon by quoting Byron at him. Okay, he probably got that from Janna's blog, but it still came across as super classy.

Then Snarg called her away and she changed from her sleek white dress into a much looser green one. She took most of her hair ornaments out. She left the pearly clip she got from her moms, who were probably getting shepherded away to have tea with the Lucitors right now. Tom changed into scarlet, and his own stylists sharpened his eyeliner. 

He floated into the middle of the room. The orchestra made the crowd pay attention. She thought she heard a wolf-whistle from the Mewni part of the ballroom.

Jackie glided into the room, her skateboard invisible under the dress. It was one of her favorite sensations, and she loved knowing that some of the people here thought it was magic. Unremarkable magic, probably, if you were from a telekinesis dimension, but still.

Tom bowed to her, she bowed back. Then she picked him up, just like they practiced. Demons had bird bones, but she didn't worry about that, most of the time. He was quick at healing.

If it was up to her, she would have kissed him right there. But it was time to drag the drama out. She slid down the ramp, and it lit up under them. She sneaked a quick kiss on Tom's shoulder and he muttered something she didn't catch.

When she reached the bottom of the spiral, the first ring of their circle lit up. Vivicent did a lot more than just move the floor around. Jackie felt the magic buzzing around her, getting into her hair and climbing up her legs. 

She started her chant at the second circle. Janna had helped her with it, so it started with Jackie promising "one-thoughted, never-wandering, guileless love". But Tom helped with it too, so she also promised to protect him from the Eternal Dark. It was a promise without strings, no strike-me-downs or punishments. She never wanted to be tied to him with a curse. 

In the middle of their circle, she placed Tom down to the floors. His chant was exactly the same as hers - exactly, except he changed the pronouns from informal you to royal you near the end. Jackie wasn't exactly sure how, but it basically meant he was giving her half of his kingdom.

 _That_ caused an uproar for sure, but she refused to give the crowd time to consider it. She unbuttoned Tom's collar and finally got to kiss him. It ended with her lying down on his side, just like she preferred to do. She slipped her hand around his neck and then under his collar. Everyone was watching. Everyone was staring and they could see where her hands were, and it didn't matter at all. Tom was hers now and she could touch her own stuff if she wanted to.

They were startled apart by the flash of an unauthorized camera. It was followed by a pained yelp and screeching - were those attack bats? Tom was grinning in the smuggest way possible, showing both fangs. He  _did_ think of everything. She kissed him quickly, for her own joy. And then she kissed him slowly, to please their crowd. Their third kiss was for the magic, and the enchantments shone around them in white and in gold.

**Author's Note:**

> Tom's bilingual freakout was translated here: https://lingojam.com/TheBroodfesterTongues


End file.
